Life's a Witch And Then You Die: A Harry Potter Fanfiction
by KnockYourselfOut
Summary: In which a Halloween party is thrown, and no one dies. This is mostly a joke. Please don't review.


It was a dark and stormy night. Hermione Granger and company, soaked to the bone, burst open the doors to the Halloween store with exuberant flair. They blinked in the bright light of the store, in silence, until Ron spoke.

"I'm freezing," he said, and took out his wand. Promptly, Hermione slapped his hand and shot him a dirty look.

"What?"

"She's right," Harry said, contempt in his tone. "You can't do spells here. We're in the Muggle world."

Hermione's head turned toward Harry. "Also consider that we're _literally_ fourteen years old and _not on school grounds_. We could get thrown into Azkaban—" here, she stopped and her eyes widened— "or worse! Expelled!" Her voice had dramatically risen and she was almost shouting.

A young woman dressed like a pumpkin, an employee, tapped Hermione on the shoulder. "Excuse me, miss? Can I help you?"

Ron sheepishly tucked his wand into his pocket as Hermione composed herself. Her confident aura returned and she stuck her nose back in the air. "No, thank you," she told the woman, and crossed the room to the witch costumes. She began rifling through the robes, feeling the fabric.

"What are we doing here, again?" Ron asked, picking up a warbled fake nose from the shelf.

Hermione whipped around, fake nose on her face, and Ron, as well as Harry to a lesser extent, burst out laughing. Hermione frowned and sighed exasperatedly. "Well, if you'll stop making a _fool_ out of yourself, I'll _tell_ you."

The boys continued laughing for an unreasonably long time. They only stopped when Hermione sighed again, louder than before, and they were finally able to get a grip on their emotions.

"Now that you're acting like normal humans again, don't you remember? We have to get supplies for my Muggle Halloween party. Which, for the uninformed, is a requirement for my Muggle Studies class. I wanted to get the assignment done early in the term!

Ron rolled his eyes. "Ah, yes, I remember. And for _some_ reason you're throwing it over at the Burrow."

"Yes, of course, my parents are _dentists_, and they don't allow candy _or_ caramels anywhere _near_ the house. Don't you pay attention to _anything_ I say?"

Hermione turned back to rifling through the costumes and Ron shot a look at Harry. It was almost as if the boys had a secret language that was communicated entirely through expressions.

"Yes, we pay attention," Harry said, "but you're always just one step ahead!"

"Oh, never mind that," Hermione replied, blushing.

Ron spoke again, almost afraid of opening his mouth because apparently everything he said about the Muggle world was incorrect or unnecessary to the other two. "Why are the witch costumes so _weird_? And why can't you just go as yourself if you're going to dress up as a witch?"

"This is how Muggles _think_ witches dress," Hermione said. "Isn't it silly? They think we have _green skin_ and have _warty_ _noses_!"

Ron huffed, but said nothing. Instead, he walked to a section entirely decked out in rainbows, suspenders and big red noses. He snickered. "And is this what they think of wizards?"

Hermione and Harry laughed, full-on belly laughs. Ron's face fell as he realized his mistake.

"No!" Hermione said in-between laughs.

"Those are clowns!" Harry said.

The tension in the air could be cut with a knife, so Ron tried to dispel it. "Looks more like a boggart to me." He glanced up to see the others' reaction, but he saw none.

"If you want to dress up like a clown, Ron, be my guest," Hermione commented distractedly, tossing a glittery jumpsuit in Harry's direction.

So many questions were running through Ron's mind, but the others' understanding of what was going on left him speechless.

After an hour or so at the store picking costumes and decorations, the group left the Halloween store with the spoils of their journey: a clown costume for Ron, a witch nose and bedazzled Muggle witch hat for Hermione, and a disco-themed outfit for Harry. They walked the kilometre back to Ron's home, nicknamed the Burrow due to its capability to hold many people.

Molly Weasley, in Molly Weasley fashion, fussed over the three for a few minutes. "Oh, Hermione," she said, "you've sprouted like a bean! Oh, Harry's voice got so much deeper! And Ron, make sure to wash the dishes when you're done! If only your father was here to see this party—he'd absolutely lose his mind. But alas, a magical toaster malfunctioned and turned bread into dough instead of toast! The wizarding world is in chaos as we know it!"

Meanwhile, Hermione had already slipped out of the conversation to pull the family's magical clock off the wall. She was busying herself ridding the living room of anything that could appear even slightly magical.

Ron burst into the room, looking dangerously close to tears. "What are you _doing_?!" he asked? "_Why_?"

Hermione stopped and looked at her friend, whose head was in his hands. "What do you mean?"

"Why are you messing up my house?" His words were muffled through his hands. He squatted on the floor, then looked up at Hermione. His eyes were shining. "I don't get it. I don't understand. What's going on? I have to be the one who gets it! I'm the one who understands!"

Hermione let go of the floating plates, letting them drift back toward the ceiling. She squatted next to Ron on the floor.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

Ron shook his head, placing it back in his hands. With a sigh, he said, "I'm fine. It's a stupid thing to be worried about."

"I can't help you if you don't let me," Hermione reminded him.

He looked up at her. It was obvious he was holding back tears. "You don't get it. You and Harry… you know everything about Muggles. And I'm the odd one out. I hate that. I'm the butt of the joke. Bloody hell, Hermione, it _sucks_."

"But I do get it, Ron. I've been exactly where you are."

Ron looked at Hermione skeptically.

"There was a time when I wasn't a witch yet. Harry and I had to learn everything about the wizarding world. And, bloody hell, Ron, it sucked." They chuckled. "It's embarrassing. I get it. But you have to know that we're not here to make you feel inadequate. You pushed us to try new things and stay open-minded and resilient. You did the same thing I'm doing right now for us, when we were new to the wizarding world. You were the one to comfort us when we needed it. And you know what I've realized, Ron? The real magic is friendship."

Harry walked in, then, wearing a new jumper from Mrs. Weasley, and upon him seeing Ron's tear tracks, he beelined to Ron's side. The three hugged, and all was well.


End file.
